What Lies Between
by Aunt Kathy
Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay consider the barriers between them. Could they ever overcome them? A companion piece to 'At the End of the Day'. SEQUEL STILL IN PROGRESS!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The chances of my owning anything Trek-related are about as much as those of my owning the entire Southern hemisphere. (As in, none.)

A/N: This is a companion piece to 'At the End of the Day'. I will recommend, but by no means insist, that you read that first. It's not that long...

Enjoy. And, if you do, feel free to let me know by any means necessary, be that through the oh-so-convenient 'Review' box and button at the end of the page, or through the other ways I stay in contact with the outside world: namely via either homing pigeon or smoke signals.

Thank You(s): Mrs. Singing Violin- I'm hoping this is a little better than when you first saw it... :)

* * *

_I stare out at the stars flying blindly past us. Mere streaks of light in the dark expanse we call space. They have always been beautiful to me and I know I could look at them for hours._

_I know he is there long before he reaches me, even before I hear him. He is always there, but I wouldn't want it to be any different._

_His footsteps are calm and measured as he approaches me. I feel his hands grip my hips, and I feel the heat of his chest press against my back. He bends down to kiss my shoulder, running his tongue firmly along the tendon at the side of my neck and up towards my ear. Overpowering._

_I turn in his embrace and am instantly surrounded by his scent: clean with earthy overtones. Intoxicating._

_His hands move up to my waist and his lips begin to descend upon mine. All-consuming._

_I feel his mouth move against mine, and I can taste his tongue as it strokes my own. I raise my hands to cup his face, but they decide to move into his hair instead; the ring on my left hand snags momentarily on one of the short, greying strands._

_He pulls me tighter to him, his kiss simply teasing while his embrace promises more, and I can no longer remember how to breathe. I am powerless to stop myself-_

Kathryn jerks awake, a fine sheen of perspiration coating her skin as she hungrily gasps for air.

Her breathing slowly calms and begins to even out. When it eventually does, she lifts her head slightly to get her bearings, only to let it fall back onto the pillow as she realizes that what she's just experienced was not real.

She is in her quarters, in her bed- alone.

These dreams aren't new to her. But tonight it is different. The small addition of the jewelry on her left hand was one that she had not noticed before. But one that she desperately wants to be real.

_But never can be._

Her eyes close of their own accord, her mind still half dowsed in sleep, dragging her back into the dream.

* * *

He feels like he's been tossing and turning for hours, and yet a comfortable sleeping position continues to elude him. He looks at the right side of the bed: it's empty, untouched. He hasn't slept on that side in years, and he doesn't quite know why.

_No, I know exactly why,_ he corrects himself. But he isn't about to admit that the last time he slept soundly was when he was holding _her._

"Kathryn," he whispers into the darkness. The one person he has ever felt so... at ease with. He can't use the word 'comfortable', because he feels that it would trivialize what he feels. Everything else pales in comparison. A mere flicker of a flame in comparison to the bright white light of a supernova.

No one- _nothing_- has ever made him feel like this.

And that's what makes it all the harder to bury his feelings, _his __love, _for her.

He lies there in the silence and turns his head to the wall. She is there; he can feel it. Only a few feet away. He hopes she is sleeping peacefully, but he doubts it. At this point in time, he has a suspicion that either she's devouring a novel she's been meaning to read for some time now, or she's poring over a report, given to her earlier in the day but left unattended and unread for hours.

_Whatever she's doing, I hope she's finding a peaceful sleep easier to pin down than I am._

He gets out of bed, knowing of only one thing that will calm him, if only slightly, at this time of night.

* * *

_I feel his lips on mine, soft and pliant. I taste his tongue; the kiss is slow and sensual, keeping the pace unhurried while his hands pull me closer against him, his firm embrace containing a hastened passion, while his tongue-_

Kathryn sighs in exasperation as she opens her eyes again. She wriggles against the sheets that have bunched up around her, trying desperately to loosen the hold they have on her in order to sit up. She does so, but too quickly and buries her face in her hands while she waits for the room to stop spinning. _I'm too old for this._

She swings her legs around to the floor on her left, placing her bare feet on the carpet as she glances behind her at the empty left side of the bed, _his side_, wishing that it were no longer empty. Kathryn stands, one of her knees clicking in protest as she shifts her weight off the bed. _I'm definitely too old for this._

_Voyager_'s captain slowly staggers the short distance from her bedroom to her replicator and leans against the bulkhead beside it as she finds her balance. Kathryn finds herself about to order her usual coffee when she changes her mind, opting for something else that a friend once recommended for such a situation.

Chakotay said he always found it... calming. Which is definitely something her frayed nerves could do with about now. To say it has been a grueling week would be an understatement. First, there was the prospect of sending a message home: a glimmer of hope.

One that was snatched away. Another chance, another positive in this god-forsaken quadrant- gone. She bows her head and remembers the letter she received from Mark, knowing that she was not the only one to receive bad news.

_"Dear Kathryn..." _That had been a bad sign in itself- he had only ever called her 'Kathryn' when he needed to tell her something bad. For the first few lines of the letter he had tried to keep the tone light, but ..._ I waited as long as I could... I met Larissa... I had to let go of you... I'm sorry..."_

She clenches her fists in an attempt to spare the wall her anger. She knows that she is not angry at him. She could never be angry at Mark for moving on with his life in her absence. She's angry at herself. Because she knows she let go a long time before he did.

She let go of Mark within a year of being stranded in the Delta Quadrant.

_No, before that- Within a few months month of taking command. Within a few months of meeting Chakotay._

_Chakotay_. The man who took Mark's place in her dreams within mere weeks of meeting him. At first she shrugged it off, letting herself believe that it was merely a subconscious reaction to being in such close proximity to him on a daily basis.

_That lie wore thin eventually_... she remembers how she had begun to embrace her growing feelings for him on New Earth. How easy it was to forget about the other man who was still waiting for her across the galaxy, who was still hoping she would return to him.

_But I had let go of him long before that..._

She tries to put names to the multitude of emotions swirling around in her head because of that one letter.

Loss? _No, that would imply that I still had Mark's heart, that I still wanted it._

Guilt? _Perhaps. I know I should have waited longer... but I couldn't. My heart had found something- someone- else..._

Pain? _Not at Mark's letter: his moving on was inevitable, and knows she has been hoping for it ever since she became stranded out here. _

But there is thought at the back of her mind that quickly rises to the surface and shocks her.

_You were hoping that, with Mark having given up, you would be able to be with Chakotay_...

She reels from this realization, leaning her head against the cool metal of the bulkhead.

_But nothing has changed. Mark moved on, and Chakotay made his feelings towards me quite clear a few months ago when we faced the Borg._

_I can never give myself to him while we are out here; it wouldn't be fair to him. The ship would always come between us. __He would only have a fraction of me while I was in command. _

She nearly jumps when her drink materializes in front of her.

* * *

He picks up the hot tea and takes two large gulps that burn his throat before settling in his stomach. Chakotay closes his eyes as the familiar sensation of the tea's soothing warmth begins to spread throughout his body as the glowing aftertaste of citrus lingers, chasing away some of his tension.

_Some, but not all._

Chakotay walks over to the viewport and contemplates further what has been keeping him up all night.

He recalls how the two of them endured their shift in silence today.

She had been unusually distant since the incident with the Hirogen just a few short days before, and he noticed a while ago how she seemed more detached than usual, throwing herself into her role as captain with the usual vigor, but none of the usual passion.

He understands the necessity for silence between the two of them when they are on the bridge. He knows she will tell him what's on her mind in an appropriate tine and place, and the bridge, on duty, would not qualify. But he isn't prepared for the silence they endured earlier that day on their way to their quarters. He isn't prepared for the professional silence to last once their shifts are over.

However, the short journey from the bridge to the point where they part ways has given him time to realize that he didn't want her to say anything. He has to trust that she will tell him when she is ready to do so. Part of him knows that she is not ready. Not yet. Not while she is still reeling from the loss of Mark.

_Mark. _He can't even think about the man without feeling the bitterness rise up in his throat. The man hadn't waited for her. He had given her up for dead little over a year after _Voyager_ disappeared.

_I could never-_ Chakotay doesn't let himself finish the thought. Merely contemplating the loss of Kathryn is too painful. He doubts he would ever survive losing her, never mind trying to get over her.

He lifts the cup to his lips again and looks in the direction of her quarters.

* * *

She sips lightly at the tea, immediately understanding why he enjoys this particular blend: the moment the taste of the hot orange and cinnamon infusion touches her tongue, its warmth spreads throughout her body, calming and relaxing her. Kathryn smiles as she notices that the temperature of the cup in her hands is far higher than of most drinks that the replicators would normally produce.

_He probably had B'Elanna change the settings for him. Chakotay can be incredibly... persuasive when the need arises._

Her eyes close, and once again she is surrounded by the dream of him.

She can still feel the phantom echo of his hands on her hips, in her hair, holding her close, pulling her in.

_His warmth... his scent... his lips..._

A tear rolls down her cheek as the knowledge that it will never be any more than a mere dream rises to the forefront of her mind. Because, while they are on _Voyager_, they can never be more than colleagues.

_And it's my fault._

She looks towards the bulkhead that divides their quarters. _The only thing that lies between us..._

Kathryn stands, her gaze never leaving the small divider between them, wondering what he is doing on the other side. _Is he asleep? Is he awake? Is he thinking about me? Does he know that I lo-_

She stops herself. She can never admit her feelings to anyone, least of all herself. Kathryn feels a wave of emotion break over her and covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a small sob escaping her lips. Another tear falls from her lashes and Kathryn wipes it away with the back of her left hand. She can't help but notice that there is one finger that feels strangely bare. As though something is missing.

_A ring._

She has never worn a ring on that finger. Justin and she had been meaning to look for one at the time of his death. With Mark, the original ring had been too small and was in the process of being re-fitted when she left for the Badlands. And with Chakotay...

_...with Chakotay I will only ever have the ring I wear when I dream of him. There is too much that lies between us. I can't let myself get any closer to him_. She knows that losing him would hurt far more than losing either of her previous fiancés.

Another sob threatens to break free, but she keeps her hand over her mouth firmly- cutting off its escape.

* * *

He turns at a quiet sound coming from the other side of the bulkhead providing a barrier between his quarters and the woman he-

Chakotay interrupts the thought abruptly.

_I can never think of her like that; she made that quite clear a long time ago. __Kathryn has built up so many barriers to keep me away from her, to keep me out. But I could never abandon her- no matter what was at stake..._

_Why, Kathryn?_ His question is silent, and he knows that, even if he were to ask her, she would never answer him.

He suddenly hears another noise, slightly louder this time...

_Footsteps_...

Kathryn takes a tentative step, and then another, towards the divide between them. She is drawn to the cold, gray panel in front of her.

_No, drawn to what lies on the other side..._

Her hand is still over her mouth, keeping her silent, but she can no longer keep her tears contained and they escape from between her lashes.

_I'm so sorry, Chakotay... for pushing you away... for hiding my feelings for you... for still keeping them hidden._

Another sob rises in her throat and this time she struggles to suppress it completely. A small noise sounds from between her fingers and she hopes that it is quiet enough not to travel through the wall. Part of her couldn't bear it if he heard her like this... but another part desperately aches for him to comfort her, take her in his arms and whisper soothing words against her ear, words that would give her the strength to go on under this pretense that she has set up...in an effort to spare his feelings... her feelings...

_And, of course, that's worked SO well, Kathryn_, she thinks bitterly as her hand falls from her mouth and she reaches it out to touch the cold metal partition. _Surely being apart from him like this hurts far more than anything else._

* * *

Chakotay reaches out his palm and lays it flat on the bulkhead, hoping- wishing- that he could run to her next door and tell her the truth... a truth that has been known by both of them for so long, but has been denied because of the choices they both made so long ago...

He knows that she would most likely want to take the blame for the barriers that lie between them, but he also knows that the blame is shared equally between them...

_If I had just pushed a little bit harder, just tried to get her to open up, forced her to face the truth_- he stops himself again. She would have closed up and pushed you further away, Chakotay.

She needed to come to the truth in her own time. There was no way he could force her into anything.

He hangs his head, part of him wanting to ignore the quiet noises coming from her quarters, another part wanting to make sure that she's okay, and if she isn't-

He closes his eyes, desperately trying to quell his desire to go to her right now and take her into his arms, telling her that everything will be all right, that all will be well... that, as long as they have each other, nothing can go wrong.

But he doesn't. He can't.

"Kathryn, I love you," he whispers, although he knows that he can never let her hear him say those words...

_Not with these barriers between us._

* * *

She feels a slight warmth emanating from the other side of the wall, and, for a spilt second she almost pulls her hand away... scared that she's only imagining it. But then she hears a mumbling from the other side, almost as if someone has spoken her name.

Kathryn gasps in shock, her mouth open, the words that she wants to say, but never should, just lying on the tip of her tongue.

"Chakotay..." she says, another tear travelling down her cheek as she imagines him on the other side of the wall, trying to reach out to her, only to be pushed away again.

_I love you..._

* * *

He thinks he hears her say his name, and almost draws away, wanting both to run away from this moment and to fall into it, to run to her and comfort her.

_But she would never forgive me for that._

He wants to write it off as a dream and deny it further to spare himself- spare his heart. But he can't. He knows that he can never leave her.

_And that I never want to..._

* * *

And so they stand,  
A small space apart.  
Side by side in life,  
But with worlds between.

The pain the other feels only adding to their own,  
As each of them searches,  
Desperately,  
For their long-lost Home.

What lies between Them- still in tact.

A thin bulkhead.

Protocol.

Principals.

Loyalty.

Love.

But will one of them ever choose to truly act?


	2. Chapter 2

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

He's gone... I've lost him...

_She falls to her knees, dropping the cup of cooling tea as she crumples, another sob breaking forth as everything she has kept contained for the last three years washes over her, merciless in its onslaught as her shoulders shake and the tears fall._

* * *

_And it's all my fault... I've pushed him away for so long... and now he's left me..._

She shudders as tears run down her cheeks, falling onto her thighs as she cries. She doesn't hear the footsteps fade as he walks away from the bulkhead between them then eventually cease altogether.

She does not know how long she stays there, on her knees as she is overcome with emotion, repeating the only word that makes any sense to her at this moment in time...

"Chakotay..."

Kathryn's arms wrap themselves tightly around her shoulders, as though she were trying to keep her sobs contained.

"Chakotay..."

Another bout of emotion crashes onto her and she holds herself tighter, despite the fact that she knows nothing she does can ease her pain.

"Chakotay..."

* * *

She doesn't hear his footsteps as he turns and walks towards the exit of his quarters.

She doesn't hear him walk the short distance to the entrance of her quarters.

She doesn't hear him press the chime. Twice.

She doesn't hear the sound of the doors glide open to allow him access to the dimly lit room.

She doesn't hear him walk inside.

* * *

"Kathryn?" He scans the gloomy expanse of her quarters, searching for her. But he can't see her.

He calls her name again, walking forwards towards the area closest to the quarters next door. Closest to the bulkhead he is sure she was standing on the other side of.

"Chakotay..." The sound of her saying his name is barely above a whisper. At first, he isn't even sure that he had heard anything, but he takes a step to the right and sees her...

"Kathryn!"

* * *

She doesn't see him as his eyes search the gloom for her.

She doesn't see his face as it falls at the sight of her, hunched over in the corner, convulsing in anguish, weeping at the loss of him.

She doesn't see him run to her.

She doesn't see him fight tears of his own as he calls her name.

* * *

He falls to his knees next to her shaking form,her body shuddering in distress. He has never seen her look so small, so vulnerable, her arms are wrapped tightly around her as she cries. It breaks his heart to see her like this.

"Chakotay..."

She doesn't move as he places a hand flat on her back, an act of comfort that goes unnoticed.

"Chakotay..."

He pulls her to him, easing her arms from around her shoulders and rubbing his own hands over her arms and back, trying to reassure her.

* * *

She feels his arms around her.

She feels his strong chest against her shoulders.

She feels his heat.

She feels his strength.

And new tears spring to her eyes.

_He's here._

* * *

"I'm here, Kathryn. I'm here." He feels her quieten for a moment, her small form relax slightly as he holds her to him, her shoulders sag against him for a second as he shushes her. But then she stiffens again and buries her face against his bare chest, her small hands laid flat against him as fresh tears roll onto his skin.

"Chakotay," she sobs into him, leaning her entire weight into his strong frame, "I'm so sorry."

He pulls her into his lap, shushing her gently as she takes a deep, shuddering breath, one hand over her mouth. Chakotay feels tears gather in his eyes as he holds her, trying not to think of how much they have both been through recently.

He takes her small left hand in his right and runs his thumb over the back of it, rocking her in time to the calming rhythm of his hand while he whispers soothing sounds into her hair. She slowly stills, her breathing evening out He looks down at her small form and sees that her eyes have shut.

_And so she sleeps._

He slowly lifts her into his arms, one arm under her knees and the other under her back. She's far lighter than he anticipated and, as he carries her into the bedroom, he realises just how much toll the past year has taken its toll on her. The past week just proved to be too much. The final straw.

He notices the unruly sheets on the right side of the bed as he lays her down gently, careful of her slight figure.

_Her side._ It was the reason he never slept on the right side of his bed._ I wonder if it's the same for her._

Chakotay crouches beside her, and brushes a strand of hair from her prominent cheek to tuck it behind her ear.

He is aware of the fact that it's far more prominent than it was a few months ago, and he takes a moment to look over her features; he takes in her eyes, red from crying and surrounded by dark circles, her tear-stained, pointed cheeks and dry lips.

_She hasn't been taking care of herself._ He reaches out for her left hand again, stroking his hand over fingers and knuckles. The only sound is that of their breathing.

_And I haven't been looking out for her as much as I could have done._

A silent tear rolls down his cheek and he stands to leave, his hold on her hand loosening slightly. Suddenly, it grabs his wrist.

He looks up into her blue eyes, shining with unshed tears and wide with panic.

"Please," she begs, her voice cracking as she holds onto him. "Don't go, Chakotay."

He swallows and lowers his gaze. _I can't do this._

"Chakotay, please, don't leave me."


	3. Chapter 3

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

_He's gone... I've lost him..._

* * *

She falls to her knees, dropping the cup of cooling tea as she crumples, another sob breaking forth as everything she has kept contained for the last three years washes over her, merciless in its onslaught as her shoulders shake and the tears fall.

_And it's all my fault... I've pushed him away for so long... and now he's left me..._

She shudders as tears run down her cheeks, falling onto her thighs as she cries. She doesn't hear the footsteps fade as he walks away from the bulkhead between them then eventually cease altogether.

She does not know how long she stays there, on her knees as she is overcome with emotion, repeating the only word that makes any sense to her at this moment in time...

"Chakotay..."

Kathryn's arms wrap themselves tightly around her shoulders, as though she were trying to keep her sobs contained.

"Chakotay..."

Another bout of emotion crashes onto her and she holds herself tighter, despite the fact that she knows nothing she does can ease her pain.

"Chakotay..."

* * *

She doesn't hear his footsteps as he turns and walks towards the exit of his quarters.

She doesn't hear him walk the short distance to the entrance of her quarters.

She doesn't hear him press the chime. Twice.

She doesn't hear the sound of the doors glide open to allow him access to the dimly lit room.

She doesn't hear him walk inside.

* * *

"Kathryn?" He scans the gloomy expanse of her quarters, searching for her. But he can't see her.

He calls her name again, walking forwards towards the area closest to the quarters next door. Closest to the bulkhead he is sure she was standing on the other side of.

"Chakotay..." The sound of her saying his name is barely above a whisper. At first, he isn't even sure that he had heard anything, but he takes a step to the right and sees her...

"Kathryn!"

* * *

She doesn't see him as his eyes search the gloom for her.

She doesn't see his face as it falls at the sight of her, hunched over in the corner, convulsing in anguish, weeping at the loss of him.

She doesn't see him run to her.

She doesn't see him fight tears of his own as he calls her name.

* * *

He falls to his knees next to her shaking form,her body shuddering in distress. He has never seen her look so small, so vulnerable, her arms are wrapped tightly around her as she cries. It breaks his heart to see her like this.

"Chakotay..."

She doesn't move as he places a hand flat on her back, an act of comfort that goes unnoticed.

"Chakotay..."

He pulls her to him, easing her arms from around her shoulders and rubbing his own hands over her arms and back, trying to reassure her.

* * *

She feels his arms around her.

She feels his strong chest against her shoulders.

She feels his heat.

She feels his strength.

And new tears spring to her eyes.

_He's here._

* * *

"I'm here, Kathryn. I'm here." He feels her quieten for a moment, her small form relax slightly as he holds her to him, her shoulders sag against him for a second as he shushes her. But then she stiffens again and buries her face against his bare chest, her small hands laid flat against him as fresh tears roll onto his skin.

"Chakotay," she sobs into him, leaning her entire weight into his strong frame, "I'm so sorry."

He pulls her into his lap, shushing her gently as she takes a deep, shuddering breath, one hand over her mouth. Chakotay feels tears gather in his eyes as he holds her, trying not to think of how much they have both been through recently.

He takes her small left hand in his right and runs his thumb over the back of it, rocking her in time to the calming rhythm of his hand while he whispers soothing sounds into her hair. She slowly stills, her breathing evening out He looks down at her small form and sees that her eyes have shut.

_And so she sleeps._

He slowly lifts her into his arms, one arm under her knees and the other under her back. She's far lighter than he anticipated and, as he carries her into the bedroom, he realises just how much toll the past year has taken its toll on her. The past week just proved to be too much. The final straw.

He notices the unruly sheets on the right side of the bed as he lays her down gently, careful of her slight figure.

_Her side._ It was the reason he never slept on the right side of his bed. I wonder if it's the same for her.

Chakotay crouches beside her, and brushes a strand of hair from her prominent cheek to tuck it behind her ear.

He is aware of the fact that it's far more prominent than it was a few months ago, and he takes a moment to look over her features; he takes in her eyes, red from crying and surrounded by dark circles, her tear-stained, pointed cheeks and dry lips.

She hasn't been taking care of herself. He reaches out for her left hand again, stroking his hand over fingers and knuckles. The only sound is that of their breathing.

_And I haven't been looking out for her as much as I could have done._

A silent tear rolls down his cheek and he stands to leave, his hold on her hand loosening slightly. Suddenly, it grabs his wrist.

He looks up into her blue eyes, shining with unshed tears and wide with panic.

"Please," she begs, her voice cracking as she holds onto him. "Don't go, Chakotay."

He swallows and lowers his gaze. _I can't do this._

"Chakotay, please, don't leave me."


	4. Chapter 4

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

_"Chakotay, please, don't leave me."_

* * *

Her words hang in the silence, stretching the tension between them further. Chakotay keeps his gaze fixed to the floor, knowing that looking into her deep blue eyes would be his undoing right now. If he looks at her any resolve he has will crumble.

_I can't let this happen._

"Chakotay... please..."

He doesn't move, his eyes still focused on the gray carpet at his feet.

_I can't stay. If I stay now she will simply push me away again in the morning. If I stay now I will only be a source of comfort for tonight. I can't settle for that._

She grips his hand tighter, her knuckles turning white as she tries to shift his attention back to her face.

_Kathryn doesn't need me. She just-_

"I...I _need_ you, Chakotay," he hears her voice buckle as she whispers his name, and against his better judgment, looks up into her stormy blue eyes. "Please."

He can't refuse her now.

"Ok. I'll stay."

"Promise?" There is no tone of authority in her voice at all. This isn't the captain, this isn't even Janeway. This is simply Kathryn.

_Nothing more, nothing less._

He has never seen her look so fragile, so utterly defenseless. It scares him a little to know that even Kathryn can be broken. Especially to this degree. He has seen her vulnerable before, in the past few weeks far more than he would have liked to admit to her. He knows that the loss of Mark affected her deeply. It meant that the one thing she had been hoping for when she got home was gone, torn away from her like a nacelle in a fire fight.

* * *

She wants him to stay, she needs him to stay.

Right now, that is all that she knows. She knows that she wants him to hold her, to stay with her, even if he can only stay with her one night to ease her current burden.

She feels him run his thumb over the third finger of her left hand and notices that it doesn't feel empty when he holds it. She loosens her grip slightly, expecting him to leave, to go away.

_I've pushed him away for far too long- something, somewhere had to give eventually._

She can see it in his eyes._ He won't stay. He can't._

Kathryn releases his hand, and let's her own fall into her lap. _I can't make him stay. That wouldn't be fair on him._

"Kathryn, I can't."

Now she's the one that has to look to the floor.

"I know." She can feel the tears gathering again. _How can I still cry? Surely I'm cried out by now._ "I'm sorry, Chakotay. This wasn't fair on you."

He almost takes a step back as he senses her trying to hide behind the barriers she has built up over the years once more.

She hangs her head slightly and takes a deep, steadying breath.

"Kathryn-"

"It's fine. I understand." Her tone is firm, far more even and measured than she would have expected right now. _But it's the right thing to do, isn't it?_

There is a moment of pause between them, the silence far more dense now than it was on the bridge earlier that day.

"Goodnight, Com-" she closes her eyes and stops herself before she can use his full title. "Goodnight."

_I'll see you on the bridge_, she thinks as he turns to leave. _I'm sorry._

She swallows again as she hears the doors to her quarters hiss open quietly. She can feel his gaze as he turns around and glances back at her once more.

"Goodnight, Kathryn."

She blinks back the tears as the sound of the doors sliding closed echoes throughout her quarters.

"Computer, lights out," she murmurs, and the lights dim, leaving her alone in the darkness once more.

* * *

_I pull the covers over myself and lie my head back onto the pillow. If I close my eyes I can still feel his arms around me, the heat coming off his skin as he holds me._

_Chakotay. The one man I have loved far more than any other. The one man I long to be next to. The one man that has always stood by me in public._

_The one man I could never stand beside in private. There is too much at stake. There is too much at risk._

_Tonight I wanted to risk everything for him._

_Tonight I wanted to pull him to me rather than push him away._

_Tonight he pushed me away instead._

_I wish it didn't hurt._

_It hurt with Justin. It hurt with Mark. But I will most likely never see either of them again._

_Justin died. Mark was lost._

_Chakotay..._

_Chakotay._

_Chakotay I will have to face for the rest of my time as captain of _Voyager_._

_Just out of reach._

_I close my eyes and try to get comfortable. The mattress shifts beneath me as I wriggle into a more satisfying position._

_But it's no use. The covers are too constricting, despite the fact that his arms were wrapped around me tightly not too long ago. Holding me. Comforting me. Keeping me safe._

_I'm too hot. Far too hot. I move again, but something stops me._

_A strong arm is wrapped around my waist and I freeze._

_"Kathryn, if you don't stop moving you will never get to sleep."_

_I gasp at the sound of his voice. Chakotay's voice._

_He's here._

_He presses himself against my back, his heat rolling over me like lazy waves over a sand bank at sunset. I turn in his arms, and my eyes are met by the kind gaze of deep dark brown irises and my breath catches for a moment._

_I regard him carefully, resting my right hand on his upper left arm. I watch as my thumb begins to slowly trace random patterns over his rich, bronze skin._

_"Stay?" my question is not even a whisper, but a small breath that hangs in the space between us._

_His hand reaches up and lifts my chin until I'm looking at his face again, his handsome features lit by the faint light of the stars that streak by overhead._

_"Just for tonight," he replies quietly, stroking my cheek and I briefly wonder if I am simply imagining the hint of regret in his voice._

_I nod, not daring to speak for fear that my voice might betray me._

_I snuggle into him further, burying my head against the smooth expanse of his warm chest and I feel his arms envelop me once again._

_I am pulled into sleep by the deep sound of his steady breathing, the feel of his strong arms around me and the knowledge that he will be here when I wake up._


	5. Chapter 5

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1.

I realize that this is a short chapter, and I apologize for that. I also need to apologize to Jordan Trevor and Singing Violin for what I am about to do, but it is necessary, I'm afraid...

A quick thank you to all of you who have reviewed so far, there's nothing I love more than hearing what you guys think. So, keep reviewing and enjoy! AK :)

* * *

"Stay?" her question is not even a whisper, but a small breath that hangs in the space between us.

* * *

_I reach up and lift her chin until she's looking up at me, her delicate features lit by the faint light of the stars that streak by overhead._

_"Just for tonight," I reply, and reach out to stroke her cheek, wishing desperately I could promise her more. But I can't. I can't promise her anything she doesn't want. It would hurt too much in the morning when she pushes me away again._

_She nods and I briefly wonder if I am simply imagining the hint of regret in her eyes._

_She snuggles into me further, burying her head against my bare chest and I wrap my arms around her again, hoping that this is not the last time she will let me hold her._

_I hear her breathing slow and pray she could still want me here when I wake up. But I know that's not possible._

_I tell myself that I can only stay here a little longer._

_I can only stay until she has drifted into a deeper sleep._

_I fight the tears as the sound of her breathing evens out and her grip on my arm slips as she falls into a deeper slumber._

_There is too much between us for this to last longer than one night._

_I hear her breathing slow and pray she could still want me here when I wake up. But I know the truth. _Voyager_ and her crew matter more to her than I have ever done. She doesn't know that I would gladly take whatever part of her she was willing to give._

_Any part of her would be better than no part at all._

_She sleeps soundly as I hold her, trying to make this moment last for as long as possible, knowing that it will only be a moment._

_Nothing more. Nothing less._

_"Just for tonight," I repeat, taking one last look at her sleeping form before taking a deep breath and preparing myself to leave her._

_A tear runs down my cheek at the knowledge that she will have to wake up alone._

_Because I know there is too much between us for anything more._


	6. Chapter 6

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1.

I realize that this is another shorter chapter, and I feel that I must apologize for that. Again, further apologies got to Jordan Trevor and Singing Violin...

A quick thank you to all of you who have reviewed so far, there's nothing I love more than hearing what you guys think. So, keep reviewing and enjoy! AK :)

* * *

I am pulled into sleep by the deep sound of his steady breathing,  
the feel of his strong arms around me and the knowledge that he will be here when I wake up.

* * *

_I smile as the heavy sleep I've been in clears from my mind. I can feel the heat of his body lying next to me._

_He's here. Chakotay stayed._

_I feel my heart swell as I realize the enormity of this. He stayed by me then I needed him the most. I know that I can never let anything come between us again._

_No excuses. Not _Voyager_. Not the crew. He means too much to me._

_I love you too much for that, Chakotay._

_The smile widens as I reach out towards him, wanting to pull him closer to me, to feel his powerful embrace around me again, to-_

_My hand closes on empty air._

_My eyes fly open._

_He's gone._

No_._

_I sit bolt upright in the tangled sheets, ignoring the way that my head spins._

_No. _No! NO!_ This...this _can't_ be happening... he was here... Chakotay was here... next to me..._

_"Just for tonight." His words echo in my head as I reach out again to touch the empty sheets._

_I close my eyes and imagine him there, beside me once more._

_"Chakotay..." I hear myself breathe his name of its own volition, as though chanting it could bring him back to me._

_They are cold, any heat I felt was merely an illusion._

_They are untouched. He never stayed._

_He must have simply placed my into bed and left, as I had feared he had done last night. He didn't stay. He left._

_If he was ever really here in the first place..._

_The pain of it washes over me again._

_"Chakotay..."_

_But this time it's different._

_I'm angry at him as well as hurt. I asked him if he would stay. He said that he would._

_But he didn't._

_He hasn't._

_"Chakotay..."_

_I want to laugh at myself for being so stupid._

_I want to hit something. _Hard.

_I want to scream. To cry out that this...this can't be happening... he was here... Chakotay was here. No!_

NO!

_I want to cry._

_I want him to hold me again._

_"Chakotay..."_

_I want him to hold me to him and tell me that everything will be all right._

_I want to believe him._

_"Chakotay..."_

_How I _wish_ I would be able to believe him..._

_I fall back onto the bed, feeling the tears on my cheeks and the lump in my throat, as fresh and as painful as last night. No, more so. Because he isn't here._

_"Chakotay..."_

_He _isn't_ here..._

_I turn to where he was lying, just a few hours before. _If_ he was ever really here in the first place._

_"Chakotay..."_

_He left..._

_"Chakotay..._don't_..."_

_He's gone... I've lost him..._

_"Chakotay...no..."_

_The pain knives its way into my chest, grabbing at my heart and tightening its clasp around it..._

_"Chakotay, _please_..."_

_This is all my fault... I've pushed him away for so long... and now he's left me..._

_Chakotay... come back...help me... please... please..._

_The pillow muffles the sound of my cries as I call out his name..._

_I scream wordlessly as my tears run into my hair and onto the pillow..._


	7. Chapter 7

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1.

Quick thank you: To Jordan Trevor, who said (well... _typed_...) something to me in a PM that inspired a part of this chapter. Thanks, JT! :)

* * *

I reach up and lift her chin until she's looking up at me, her delicate features lit by the faint light of the stars that streak by overhead.

"Just for tonight," I reply, and reach out to stroke her cheek, wishing desperately I could promise her more. But I can't.  
I can't promise her anything she doesn't want. It would hurt too much in the morning when she pushes me away again.

She nods and I briefly wonder if I am simply imagining the hint of regret in her eyes.

* * *

I open my eyes again. Every time I close them I see the same images flash across the back of my eyelids again and again...

* * *

_She's crying, hunched over in the corner, crying... her shoulders heaving with convulsive sobs... her arms around her shoulders..._

_"Chakotay..."_

_They way she leans into me when I hold her, resting her head against my chest, salty tears staining my skin..._

_"Chakotay... I'm so sorry..."_

_Her hand as it grabs my wrist... knuckles white... eyes pleading..._

_"Please," she begs, and I hear her voice crack..._

_"Don't go, Chakotay... Chakotay...please..."_

* * *

_And that one small question... that final word..._

_"_Stay_?"_

* * *

_I turn on my side, looking to the left side of the bed. It is empty._

_She is sleeping soundly next door, and I am back in my quarters- alone._

_I left her. I did the one thing that I thought I could never do._

_Surely it was the right thing to do, for both our sakes..._

_But I can still see her, her eyes glinting with quiet hope as she asks me to stay with her..._

_And then the way her face falls when I reply..._

_But I can't go on like this, loving her as I do without any recognition from her._

_This was why I was so hesitant to tell her in the first place, why I only told her when I was sure that what had come between us in the past would be unlikely to do so again. Telling her on New Earth was safe because there was no _Voyager_. Because there was no crew. No duty._

_There were no barriers._

_I know why we put them back, I understand why we had to 'define parameters' when we returned to the ship, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with. If anything, it makes it worse. Because I understand I cannot disagree with her completely._

_Because I understand that it is what she wants. She needs those barriers. Kathryn needs 'parameters' to feel safe._

_But that doesn't make the pain any easier to cope with._

_It doesn't make the yearning I feel for her, or at least the need for her to be happy go away._

_There are days when I wish that I didn't love her. that I could only see her as a friend, as the friend I know she sees me._

_But then she'll smile._

_She'll laugh._

_And my heart will succumb to her once more._

_I get up, turning away from the empty side of the bed and look back towards her quarters. If only there was some way for what lies between us to cease to exist, if only we could both ignore the barriers... then maybe, just maybe, things could be different._

_I hesitate before walking back towards the bulkhead separating our quarters, back towards what lies between..._

_"Kathryn..."_

_I imagine her on the other side, sleeping peacefully, finally finding escape in untroubled dreams. I briefly wonder if she ever dreams of me as I do of her, holding her in the way I can only hope to. Showing her how much I love her-_

_"No." I have to remain strong, for both of us. If the barriers fall now she will suffer even more, she will be faced with an impossible decision- me or the crew. I turn away from the wall, and walk back towards my empty bed._

_I cannot make her choose. I could never-_

_"Chakotay..."_

_I hear her voice, as though it were right behind me, and I turn again, expecting to see her standing there._

_But she isn't. She never is. No matter how often I dream of being close to her, it is always a dream, and I must always wake up._

_I look back at the thin bulkhead. The one physical barrier._

_The one that would so easily be removed._

_"Chakotay..."_

_This time her voice is quieter. As if she were on the other side, call my name._

_But she can't be. It must be my imagination-_

_A sob. Another sob that twists my heart in my chest._

_I swallow. I cannot do this._

_I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound of her crying..._


	8. Chapter 8

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1.

WARNING: Poetry! If it brings you out in hives- don't read it. Simple as.

Enjoy. AK :)

* * *

He wants to wait for her- but can't.  
Instead, he turned, left, thinking:  
_I'll keep up my end,  
If you keep up yours._

And so they remain,  
A small space apart.  
Side by side, as always,  
But with worlds between.

They reach out for Love, denied.  
Not by choice, but necessity.  
For Her.  
For Him.

The pain the other feels only adding to their own,  
As each of them searches,  
Desperately,  
For the other's heart.

What lies between Them- still in tact.

A thin bulkhead.

Protocol.

Principals.

Duty.

Love.

A Love on which both of them have yet to truly act.

* * *

A/N: I would just like to take this chance to thank those of you who took the time to review, favorite and follow this story. I love getting feedback and finding out that people are enjoying my fics. :)

I would like to single out Jordan Trevor, Mrs. Singing Violin and ViolinFire14 for their encouragement and support on this- it means a lot. Thank you.

Also, sequel 'Will Always Remain' is now up!

AK :)


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